


Fluorescent Secrets and the Elephant in the Room

by krisbaek, picassobaby



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Established Relationship, Hurt, M/M, Same-Sex Marriage, Self-Doubt, Slice of Life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-12
Updated: 2018-05-12
Packaged: 2019-05-05 17:58:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,931
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14624042
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/krisbaek/pseuds/krisbaek, https://archiveofourown.org/users/picassobaby/pseuds/picassobaby
Summary: Drifting apart is a lot messier than simply breaking up.





	Fluorescent Secrets and the Elephant in the Room

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt #2017-049

Baekhyun walks in on his husband making supper when he arrives home from work on a Friday. “Hey, babe!” He greets to get Kris’s attention, putting down his things carelessly on the couch before making his way to the other to wrap his arms around him from behind, burying his face against the broad back, “How was your day?”

“Wasn’t too busy today so, thought I’d make us our favorite,” Kris replies, holding the other’s smaller hand in his to place tender kisses on it. “Can you set the table, love?”

“Of course,” he pulls away and puts together a nice arrangement over at the breakfast nook where they share all their meals together, “Up for some wine?”

“Yes, please,” Kris smiles and nods at him as he arranges the steaks, marble potatoes topped with melted cheese, and some butter-sauteed vegetables onto each plate, “Almost done, honey. Just going to let it rest for a while.”

They meet halfway after Baekhyun had set the wine and glasses on the table, “I missed you the entire week, you know,” he says, lips puckering up for a kiss as his partner leans down to meet the softness of them with his own.

“I know, I’ve missed you too,” Kris wraps his arms around the shorter male’s waist to pull him closer into a warm embrace, “Tax season is always a pain in the butt.”

“It’s almost like a punishment for being great at what you do, huh?” the teasing edge in Baekhyun’s voice makes Kris chuckle and lean back in for another kiss, this time with more intent.

“I guess, but I’d rather be busy than worrying if I still have my job tomorrow,” the embrace grows tighter, “It’s one of those happy problems.” They both smile and chuckle lightly in agreement.

Kris playfully manhandles him into a seat and settles right next to him. It was one of those evenings when he’s all smiles and giggles as he’s heavily reminded of the honeymoon phase of their relationship, of when they first moved in together, and of when they finally tied the knot.

Five years of marriage, and almost ten years of being together— Baekhyun thinks it’s normal to have some insecurities from time to time. When he feels like he’s getting old and boring, or when he feels a bit stagnant in his career, sometimes even when he sees new people coming into and expanding the world that Kris moves in, he can’t help but feel the need to step up and at the same time keep being the person he was when Kris fell in love with him. It had been a constant thought but he couldn’t remember when it started.

Dinner was swell and they had caught up with each other, talking about anything and everything they could think of even after they’ve cleared their plates, and the wine bottle is almost empty.

“Thank you for that yummer dinner, love,” Baekhyun says a little solemnly, looking up at Kris with unfocused eyes as effect of the slight alcohol.

“I’m glad you liked it,” Kris replies, holding Baekhyun steady in his seat, “I miss doing things for you, you know? It’s like we never have enough time for anything anymore.”

There’s bittersweet smiles on their faces as they look into each other’s eyes, “I love you so much.” Baekhyun says, the warmth in his chest releasing a plethora of feelings across his body, forming a flood of tears behind his eyes that he stops from falling with a visible gulp that Kris doesn’t miss.

“I love you too, Baekhyun,” his husband says without a hitch, “More than you know, honey.”

 

It's been two years since their last vacation. It was the anniversary of when they first got together— one of the things they continued to celebrate even after they got married. Baekhyun is scrolling through the sorted albums on his phone, wondering what's changed and when. The photos were of them laughing and smiling, looking so good and in love with each other, having the time of their lives. All of it seemingly too far away of a memory to be just a couple years back.

He feels like the in-between had been a trance, a sort of comfortable setting wherein they both had settled in their peace and stopped looking for more. They used to be adventurous— whatever sense of the word, and Baekhyun can't seem to associate with that drive.

What's been happening? Wasn't it too odd of time to make him feel in limbo? The worst part is that he has no inkling of how they could fix their relationship. He already dove straight into the thoughts of what will happen once they've parted ways. All Baekhyun feels is guilt at the realization. He goes back to working on his blueprints.

 

Kris comes home to an empty apartment. He assumes Baekhyun must be busy seeing as he hadn't been the one coming in earlier in the past and he's been working on changing that— clocking out of the office with no minute to spare. Their last dinner had been refreshing, giving him a boost for the following work day. Even after almost a decade of being together, Kris is still very much head over heels for his husband. A simple smile, an embrace, or a kiss, never failed to turn his day around no matter how bad it had been. He’s looking forward to Baekhyun’s arrival.

The food has gone cold. Kris had eaten his dinner, and just put the other’s meal in the fridge to heat up for later. It was past nine o’clock in the evening when Baekhyun walked into their home. He smiles to himself, hearing the sound of the man’s footsteps from the entrance hall.

“Baekhyunnie,” he greets the other, smile soft and adoring of the shorter male with brown eyes he’d always drown in. He thinks Baekhyun looks very tired but no less handsome. “Have you eaten?” He meets the younger’s eyes and sees the sleepiness in them.

“Not yet, actually,” the other replies, “You're home early.”

“Yeah, thought I'd make us dinner again. I really missed it and i very much enjoyed what we did last week.” Kris explains, a tinge of enthusiasm clear in his voice, “I was thinking of making it a regular thing so we can spend a bit more time.”

The smile Kris sees doesn't exactly reach his husband's eyes. It was a little painful to witness, but he'd passed it off as Baekhyun’s tiredness from overworking. He opens his arms as invitation which the other easily takes, burying the younger in the warm embrace. Face pressed against his chest, he hears the soft murmur of hunger from the other quite vaguely. Nonetheless, he brings his husband to the table before bringing out the food he prepared earlier to heat it up.

 

Baekhyun watches Kris’s every move and he's reminded about his feelings. What used to easily bring a flood of overwhelming sense of security and comfort, now only seems to throw him into doubt and an endless string of questions. He stares off into space, deep in thought. He doesn't know where these insecurities are coming from but they're difficult to brush off.

He feels bad, at the very least. Kris is trying to mend the drift they're currently suffering while he's quietly wallowing in destructive thoughts. He doesn't understand why simply stepping into the scenario that his husband is creating could be this difficult of a leap. He feels too faraway and detached.

He smiles when Kris turns with a well-plated dinner for him— omelette with prosciutto and asparagus on the side. It’s good, a lot better than the taste of faking your own smiles in front of the love of your life. He feels more remorse than ever before.

They go to bed in each other’s arms that night.

Kris is sound asleep, holding onto him tight.

Baekhyun hides the tears behind his eyes as he breathes in the other’s familiar scent.

 

Kris sticks to his promise of making time for Baekhyun. The younger reciprocates little by little, he clears his weekends and reschedules his after-work appointments to earlier hours and never any later that he’d have to miss dinner with his husband. It was a small step but it makes him feel less apprehensive of his own emotions. He doesn’t know what he’s doing but he’s trying.

Love translates into different expressions among many different people. It had become less defined and more idealized, sometimes even becoming merely an idea with no context of commitment or effort. It had died while the human conditioning of protecting oneself from pain had grown to be more appealing than simply sacrificing for love. Romance was a pretense, a mask that helped people feel a little better before being truly alone in essence.

Baekhyun hates the way he flinches when Kris holds his hands like how he used to. He hates the way his gut stirs and makes him feel weak in the knees, wanting to break down and tell his husband that nothing is okay, but he couldn’t. He hasn’t gathered enough face to break the perfect glass bubble that the taller man has been trying to keep afloat.

The hand on his shoulder is warm. There was still comfort in the gesture and he lets himself be comforted. He looks up at Kris and smiles tiredly as the other speaks, “Can we go out on the weekend?” Baekhyun simply nods in agreement.

They begin Saturday cuddled together in the soft sheets and sleeping in until noon, Baekhyun pressed up against Kris’s bare chest with their limbs tangled. Baekhyun is just as bare, clinging onto his husband. As far as analogies go, Baekhyun hoped physically being attached to the person he has been in love with for over a decade would help his heart heal and find its way back. Except his feet and shoulders are cold.

With a soft kiss over Kris’s chest, Baekhyun untangles himself from the other and gets out of bed. He pulls on a hoodie that Kris had worn a few times the past week that it smells like him, and then goes to the kitchen to prepare them breakfast. If he makes it in time, he can surprise the other with breakfast in bed.

He was in the middle of making the simple ensemble of sausages, eggs, beans and toasted bagels with cream cheese when Kris walks into the kitchen, smiling like he won the lottery, “Good morning, love.”

“Good morning to you, too,” he replies, lowering the fire before turning around to meet his husband halfway for a sweet kiss, “I was hoping I'd surprise you with breakfast in bed but you ruined it.” The cute pout on his lips and the playful twinkle in his eyes were clear, making Kris laugh and engulf him in a tight embrace.

Kris chuckles, “I'll try to pretend sleeping next time. But today, I think I'd like to be closer for longer.” With a spank to Baekhyun’s firm ass, Kris lets him finish cooking as he prepares the table setting. He felt so good, refreshed and loved. They ate as they talked in playful banter, sharing more stories and teasing each other and it was all very familiar.

Baekhyun hopes Saturdays become more of this than waking up alone in bed while his husband is out on meetings with clients for brunch. He tries to keep the thoughts out of his mind as it proved difficult to smile. He only grows angry at himself. The kiss to his temple is sweet, making him relax as he feels the arm wrapping around his waist pull him closer. They continue to feed each other. Baekhyun stares as Kris animatedly tells his story about the lunch out with his team after his last proposal presentation. He wishes he could be more attentive and interested.

They spend the rest of the day indoors passively watching random documentaries on Netflix. More often than not, Kris would be making side comments and Baekhyun would either agree or rile the other up by teasingly disagreeing to get a reaction from the other.

They would end up tangled in each other’s embrace eventually, when Kris tackles him after he notices what Baekhyun had just done. Years and he still couldn't win against the other’s unpredictable playfulness. Not that Kris doesn't like it. He appreciates how it keeps him on the ground and reminds him of one of the many reasons he'd fallen for the shorter guy—his humour.

The laughter that fills the air as Baekhyun enjoys the moment ceases when Kris pulls him in for a kiss. It was the most emotionally charged kiss they'd shared for the longest time and it makes Baekhyun’s heart thud painfully against Kris’s. Tears were blooming fast in the ducts of his eyes. He closes them and deprives himself of vision. He doesn't know if Kris feels it but he hangs on tighter. He hates how confused and painful everything has been lately despite how perfect his husband is.

 

The promised date happens the following day. Kris takes him out to see art, much to his surprise since it's been a while. The museum had been updated over the years they hadn't gone. Added collections and monthly artist features keep people coming back to learn more or get inspired. The smile Baekhyun sports on his face is enough to make Kris calm down about his surprise for the day.

Baekhyun held onto Kris the entire time as they walked through the halls, looking at the new pieces and sometimes telling each other of their thoughts on theory and aesthetic. It was refreshing and it kind of brought him back to those times Kris would tell him about new exhibits nearby or must-see shows they could visit in another city. He'd been very busy and if he couldn't go, the other didn't want to go alone. Kris said it was their thing and he'd like to keep it that way. Baekhyun felt his stomach churning. Kris turns to him and asks if he's okay. He realizes he'd been squeezing the other’s arm tight. “I'm sorry, just thinking. I'm fine.”

“Sure? You look a bit flustered. Let's sit down for a bit.” Kris brings him to the center of the room to sit on the bench occupied by one other person, “Your hands are a bit cold, love.”

Baekhyun doesn't understand where the unease is coming from. He needed to be away, all by himself, to think, “I want to be alone.”

“Huh? Do you want to head out? We can go home if you're not feeling well.” Kris is holding him by the shoulders, trying to meet him in the eyes to no avail. Baekhyun absently nods, and lets his husband lead him out.

The ride home was too quiet. The radio wasn't on and the air conditioning didn’t hum as old cars would. Baekhyun’s eyes were blank while Kris’ tried to focus on the road. It was getting difficult for him to keep dismissing the thought that nothing was amiss. He keeps trying, although things don't seem to work. Seeing Baekhyun practically cave into himself proves that reminders of how they used to be isn’t making the younger feel okay.

His fears escalate and he doesn’t know where to place himself. Baekhyun wants to be alone and Kris wants to give him what he wants even if it wasn't what he needs. He was afraid that leaving him to his thoughts and current emotions may further damage what's left of their hollow connection, but what was there to do when any direction eventually leads to the only visible end.

Kris lets Baekhyun be alone for the rest of the day. Cooped up in his office, he checks if there’s anything at all he can work on to pass the time. Nothing was urgent and he didn't really feel like doing anything extra so he gets into his own head. With no distractions, he can only think about Baekhyun.

Baekhyun finds himself feeling heavier with guilt. The image of the way Kris looked at him with pure worry and concern is etched into his mind, too vivid and strongly imprinted in the back of his eyelids for him to just dismiss. They need to talk it out, tell each other what they’re currently feeling to know where they really are in each other’s lives. He knows Kris doesn't deserve to go through this and that makes it all the more difficult to pull through. In the end, he tells himself that his husband at least deserves his honesty. And if this was their reality, it needs to be dealt with before the worst.

 

“Do you ever feel lost in your own head?” Baekhyun mutters softly, almost only to himself if Kris wasn't paying attention. ”I often get stuck in circles, like I’m drowning, trying to find a way out of my mind.” it was one of those days when somber was better than nothing at all.

They still keep tabs on each other, civil and casual. Text messages, short phone calls just to hear each other’s voices. It wasn’t ideal but it helps keep the thinning connection still somehow connected. Kris goes back on his plan of making more time for him, and he’s thankful for how much he’s adjusting to keep him around. It was bittersweet, in the sense that they know they both don’t want to lose each other. Baekhyun reaches out, tries to be more present, and tells everything as they are. They have dinner together sometimes, when Baekhyun cooks and Kris comes home just in time, never really planning their evening together.

“I've been through it,” Kris replies, as they eat in their relatively quiet home, “I thought I'd be spiralling forever but things happened and eventually fell into place. Sometimes you just need yourself, other times it feels good to have a soundboard for your thoughts, a person who would hear everything without judgement.”

Catching up is a little bland when you’re too careful around each other. Kris misses the small touches, the stolen kisses, the language of their eyes when they catch each other’s gazes. Baekhyun avoids the sweetest little things, unstable and relentlessly doubting himself. It was as if they were building up from friendship all over again. Over-analyzing every step of the way, figuring out what determined the difference between simply being friends and developing a different relationship.

“I remember that time,” Baekhyun nods, recalling the slump Kris had gone through before he started picking up on his career. He had heaps of advice for his then-boyfriend, advice that he couldn’t follow himself now that he’s the one in his lowest.

“We’re very different people, so don’t be hard on yourself for not heeding your own advice,” Kris says, knowing full well how his husband’s mind flows.

 

“How did you know what you felt for me was love?” Baekhyun says one morning. Kris was beside him in the bed they shared, already awake for quite some time but too lazy to get up.

“I was jealous,” Kris tells him without hesitation, very certain of the memory of when he realized that he’s more than just a friend, “Sehun was always there and wasn’t exactly subtle in courting you.”

“How did you know it was love?” He asked again, not entirely understanding the implications as love. Thinking there could be other reasons, too, “You could have just not liked him and he was hanging around too much.”

“I wanted you to look at me the way you were starting to look at him,” Kris confesses, hands idle on his chest as he lays flat on his back, fingers twiddling as he fidgets, “At first, I felt like you were being taken away from me. I told myself, it’s normal for people to fall in love and that it was inevitable that we’ll part ways once we find that love in other people. But we’ll be best friends and still hang out and have our own happy lives separately. I felt things that were different from how I expected myself to react. It was foreign and I didn’t understand it at first until I accepted the fact that I was entirely jealous.”

“That was years before we started dating,” Baekhyun realizes, to which Kris just nods with a bittersweet smile on his face.

“I wouldn’t hold you back from experiencing life,” Kris looks him in the eyes as he turns to lie on his side, noticing the way Baekhyun’s face had lost the puffiness of his cheeks and has gone thin, “I have loved you for a long time, and I knew this from wanting you to be happy always, needing to protect you at all costs— that kind of thing. It’s really all cliche as fuck, but I can’t help it. I wouldn’t lock up a free spirit for my own sake.”

“I’ve been thinking about the idea of people being in love with the idea of being in love.”

 

Baekhyun thinks he’d been following through on what status quo romance is about. Finding a person he doesn’t resent, being happy with spending time with them and actually enjoying their company, claiming them as your partner in life, and then what? There was some human process to proving love, apparently.

He feels this certain need to map out the years he’d spent falling into a relationship and the routine that came with it. There was a nagging question in the back of his consciousness that keeps knocking and knocking against the self-deprecating walls that guard the dying romance in his heart.

“I’d been absent for a long time, and I feel like it’s not too late to win your heart back,” Kris voices out, tone exhausted but still fighting, hopeful in the dimmest recesses of a damaged relationship, “It’s just that I can’t really win against a heart that’s tired of denying the reality of the situation just to keep mutual chances afloat.”

Baekhyun looks at him with understanding eyes, lips pressed thin to hide a frown. His eyes gloss over as his husband continues to talk. There weren’t sugar-coated words but the way things were being said keep reminding him of how much Kris didn’t want to just give it all up despite how hopeless he is.

“Baekhyun, tell me,” they look at each other with foreign expressions on their faces, ways they’ve never looked at each other with before and it feels terrifyingly numbing how things have come to this, “How difficult was it to realize you were falling out while I was trying to patch things up?”

“I tried so hard, Kris,” he says in absolute honesty, “I wanted the old days so bad— our dates, the conversations, the ease of how we moved around each other, the constant want to be in the same place at the same time. I expected myself to feel relieved when I noticed your efforts, but it didn’t go as well as I wanted it to. I kept asking myself... When did I stop looking forward to anything? What was I so distracted about? Where are all these new things coming from? Did we ever have any issues left unresolved that make me feel so empty now?”

They listen and carefully piece out the bigger things and detail on the little things. Presence, when you’ve gotten used to it, starts to deafen the importance of communication. Complacency takes the lead and things start to rust in idle disposition of comfort. Comfort is pretty much the death of adventure and curiosity. And adventure and curiosity was what pulled them towards each other.

“What makes you feel a sense of fulfillment?” Kris asks, “You used to say your career does. We haven’t spoken like this in so long that we hardly know these things about each other anymore.”

“Knowing that I’m still enough,” he replies, so softly Kris almost doesn’t catch it, “That I’m not holding you back.”

 

Assurances are tough when uncertainty clouds your head, as well as your heart.

There was barely anything to motivate his husband to look at him like he was important to him and it was painful. Kris is torn between letting Baekhyun have his way and proving to the man that things will get better if they just lived a little more and found reason in second chances.

Baekhyun looks at him with remorse but not enough to warrant a plea.

Kris masks his love with acceptance, wishing to see his husband happy again.

For how long can a facade last for a sacrifice so grim?

 

“Do you remember what made you fall for me?” Kris asks. Baekhyun is silent as he stares at the cup of coffee in front of him, no words leave his mouth as the sound of a shattering heart settles in the pit of his husband’s gut.

 

Baekhyun goes through the motions of everyday withering in the throes of auto-pilot routine. Kris doesn’t drive him to work anymore, leaving earlier for work, or sleeping in until Baekhyun has left their house. He was a shell, pale and empty. And Kris, he was a starved man who wanted everything back. Ready to fight, if only it didn’t push Baekhyun away further.

Being faultless was still a fault, he thinks. Was being a good husband too boring? Was wanting a stable life too safe? Was there anything that he did or didn’t do? How do you fight for someone who doesn’t want to be fought for?

 

Kris watches from a distance as Baekhyun does what he does all by himself. Seemingly doing too well all on his own. And maybe, it’s just what he needs. He understands yet wishes he didn’t so then he could be a little more selfish. He dreads that feeling he gets every time he’s driving back from work. Anxious about what would be welcoming him when he gets home. He knows he wouldn’t know what he would do if the day comes that Baekhyun has decided to walk out on him.

The creases on his forehead are deepening from constant worry and annoyance. He feels hollow from missing the other beyond what he’s emotionally and mentally capable of handling. He lets him know and lets it all sink in. He notes down the words that are carved in his mind.

_Do you need me to leave?_

 

He knows how Baekhyun’s mind works. He promised a lot of things when they were younger, kept them all up until now. Kris simply wanted to give him a way out without the baggage of being the one who left. He knows that hurting him was the last thing Baekhyun would want to do but things happen and change and there’s no one to blame for how things simply die a natural death.

 

“What is this?” Baekhyun confronts him about the note when they wake up on the weekend after a tiring week of hide and seek. The only time they actually see each other, no intentions of avoiding the other as it’s fruitless.

“A way out,” Kris replies, voice charged with layers of everything he’s feeling.

“I don’t need this,” Baekhyun says, “I really don’t.”

Kris finds it difficult to believe him when he doesn’t spare him a glance, not even a touch to his hand. When was the last time they even held hands?

“What do you need, then?” He asks. Frustration, anger, and self-doubt clear in his eyes, “I’m sure it isn’t me anymore. And it’s painful! For how long do you plan to keep me on the sidelines, waltzing around my own home trying so hard not to push you further away?”

“I don’t know!” He raises his voice, and then cowers back, “I would have told you if I knew.”

“You need help.” Kris says before getting out of bed to cool down in the bathroom. Baekhyun cries for the first time in months, the noise of the water coming down from the shower hovering over the noise of his own sobs.

Emotions hit him like a freight train and it’s never been so fulfilling to finally feel the weight of all his inhibitions on his shoulders. He gets up and joins his husband in the shower, crying for purchase. He doesn’t apologize, not knowing the exact reasons yet. 

 

Baekhyun finds himself in the arms of the person he’d hurt the most in the process of finding his way back. Kris isn’t as confident as he used to be but they’re getting by. The remote intimacy of hands holding onto each other settles slowly in their conscious state. The bed is warm, the sheets are cozy, Kris’s body is there and he’s physically with him now more than any other night.

“Goodnight, Baekhyun.”

His emotions are too heavy to merely be an idea. Almost tangible, just there although a little bit beyond the reach of his fingertips, but it's visible. It's more than just the thought of feeling a certain way about another person whose accepted and loved him for who he is, flaws and all. It's the knowledge and assurances that they both will pull through, whether they had made promises in the eyes of the law or not, they will make the conscious decision to be there to be each other’s person.

Infinite questions threatened his faith in his own feelings, but Kris is and will always be there to be his answer.


End file.
